Random Harry Potter StoriesRant Type Thingies
by snowyclara
Summary: Yes, the title is a mouthful, but the mouthfulliness is worth it! Reading this is NOT a waste of your precious time! Guaranteed! And if you don't like it, BRING ON THE FLAMES BABY! Oh, and check out the characters; it's HILARIOUS! x3
1. Giant Squid and Mirror of Erised

RANDOM MINI-HARRY POTTER STORIES/RANT TYPE THINGIES!

WOOT! BRING ON THE FLAMES!

(I got ma' marshmallows, crackers, and chocolate sauce)

I was bored and was looking at the options for characters- you know when you're publishing a story- and did you know that the Giant Squid is an option? ISN'T THAT JUST AWESOME? And so is the Mirror of Erised!

Because I wanted to be one of the first people to use them I have composed a random story that has both of them and probably makes no sense what-so-ever to you normal people out there.

PREPARE YOURSELF! (Heh, Snape says that in book/movie #6)

The Giant Squid was in the lake doing what normal Giant Squids do: swimming and tap dancing while nobody's looking.

But this Giant Squid was not normal at all. Yes, he did do all of those things, but he wanted to be a poet and was pretty good too; here is one of his masterpieces:

_The cow jumped over the moon and died._

_The cat put a hat on the mat._

_The spoon killed the spork in a fight over the spife._

_The spife then killed the spoon so he could be with the fork._

_But the fork just wanted a chicken wing so she ran away to Pluto._

_THE END_

But the Giant Squid gave up on that dream when he met the Mirror of Erised.

He just wanted to stare at his eye al day long.

But then Hagrid came around with Grawp and kicked the Giant Squid until he swam again.

AND SO THE TRAGIC TALE OF THE GIANT SQUID AND THE MIRROR OF ERISED COMES TO AN END.

So there you go! My strange tale of the Giant Squid, Mirror of Erised, Hagrid, and Grawp!

Evil laughter time!

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH- *cough cough* Ack! Hairball…

OK, so you have just read the first installment of:

RANDOM HARRY POTTER STORIES/RANT TYPE THINGIES!

But seriously, if you think I'm being an immature little prat, BRING ON THE FLAMES!

I've got my marshmallows ready and all my other supplies to make delicious hot shmoes!

Whoever can identify where I got the word shmoes from gets one!

Also: a sprife is the perfect mixture of a spoon, fork, and knife.

Ingenious is it not?

Anyways, PEACE OUT MY FELLOW FANFICTIANS!

(If this gets enough positive feedback, I shall expand to Random Stories/Rant Type Thingies in general; not just Harry Potter)


	2. MOM vs mom

RANDOM HARRY POTTER STORIES/RANT TYPE THINGIES NUMBAH 2!

I am very very very very very very VERY disappointed in you my fellow Fanfictians. NO BODY FLAMED ME!

Now, I cannot enjoy delicious shmoes because ALL of you refused to hate this series! And now me and lemonybatman(the only person to review, and was demanding some shmoes) cannot eat chocolatey-marshmallowy goodness!

MOVING ON!

I discovered some new characters the other day... BUCKBEAK AND FAWKES! OH YEAHHHHH!

So now, I present another random story! But this time the characters are Buckbeak and Fawkes! Instead of the Giant Squid and the Mirror of Erised! (If you just walked in and are clueless, please visit Chap. 1)

AND SO THE STORY BEGINS!

Fawkes was a good phoenix.(He was an awesome one too.)

He sang his song when needed, he helped Harry Potter defeat the stupid little basilisk, and he swallowed the Killing Curse intended for Dumbledore when Harry was 15 and at the MOM.

(HEY! I just got a rant idea... ON WITH THE STORY!)

Fawkes was flying around singing his song, he was upset. Everyone at Hogwarts was. Dumbledore had just been killed by Severus Snape. So he flew, singing his song, helping everyone else while he just flew around.

Buckbeak was intrigued. Hagrid was gone and nothing he did got him to come back. Then a pretty little tune rose from somewhere and Buckbeak fell asleep.

_I'll bite him when he comes back... _and then Buckbeak fell asleep.

AND SO THIS NOT-SO RANDOM TALE OF BUCKBEAK AND FAWKES COMES TO AN END.

It's time for... THE RANTS!

First topic... The Ministry of Magic.

Have you realized what the Ministry's initials spell? M.O.M. or mom.

They act like a mom sometimes; control-freaks, easily persuaded or 'corrupted'.

I'm not pickin' on any of your moms, I'm just saying that the similarities are a little too scary to be coincidental.

MOMS ARE CONTROL FREAKS! They want to know where you are, what you're doing. they want you to be good little boys and girls, and when it comes to punishment... MAN O' MAN! They are HARSH! Just like the Ministry of Magic!

And the easy persuasion or corruption, if you have siblings like me, you have to be on top of everything; or else the regime will turn against you! The other's will corrupt the parent's mind into thinking the wrong things! Blame will automatically pinned on you if you don't get it right the first time! (Kind of like Sirius Black)

So the Ministry of Magic or MOM.

The similarities between the two are very scary. Think this through and you shall see, the terrible problem just like me!

WOW! I just RHYMED!

Anyways, IF THOU DISAGREES WITH THY RANT... FLAME TO THOU'S HEART CONTENT.

I WANT MA' SHMOES PEOPLE! I'm TRYING to infuriate you!

PLEASE let it get to you!

So... FAREWELL FOR NOW MY FELLOW FANFICTIANS!


	3. QUOTES!

Alrighty peoples, it's time for…

THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF RANDOM HARRY POTTER STORIES/RANT TYPE THINGIES!

Before I begin a few acknowledgements need to be made and shmoes need to be passed around! (Many thanks to Pio)

To **lemonybatman**… SHMOES! And my utter gratitude for reviewing more than once.

To **OpheliaBlack**… SHMOES! You correctly told me from which movie shmoes came from!

To **.Overrated.** … A wonderful gift certificate to Wal-Mart (Can be traded in for shmoes). :D You were the one to give me a fake flame to make these wonderful shmoes!

To **XIX Liability XIX**… SHMOES! BTW: in the USA it's the Ministry of Magic, so the M.O.M./mom rant still stands, but thanks you for bringing it to my attention.

ON WITH THE STORIES/RANTS! (slight Twilight bashing)

So I went to the movies with my older brother to see Transformers 3(great movie BTW) and we saw a Harry Potter Part 2 trailer, and this sudden thought struck me,

Why 2 parts? Are they really going to make a 2 hour long battle? Cool…

And then immediately afterwards came a Breaking Dawn Part 1 trailer.

I was like WTF?

Why are they turning Twilight into 2 parts? Whatever…

On with the Harry Potter subject…

Has anyone noticed how blunt, oblivious, and (a little) obvious to the point of stupidity Ron can be? Here are some Ron quotes from the books and movies:

-Ah, when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it a sign that a midget in glasses is being born.

-IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU HARRY!

-Follow the spiders? Why can't it be follow the butterflys?

So there are a few Ron quotes… how about some Harry and Hermione quotes?

-OY! There's a war going on here! (Harry)

-Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have. (Hermione)

-"Your new school uniform," she said. Harry looked in the bowl again. "Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet." (Harry to Petunia in book 1)

AND THE #1 QUOTE:

-Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!

Oh Dobby, what will we do without you? RIP my midget friend.

So this wasn't really random or anything… more like quotes, but WHATEVER!

My job for you people is to review and tell me your favorite Harry Potter quote!

I'LL GIVE YOU SHMOES!


	4. MORE QUOTES! And Death Scenes

I'M BAAAAAAACK!

Yes that's right, fellow fanfictians, the inspiration for another rant has arrived!

Before I begin, SHMOES TO ALL WHO REVIEWED, and because they asked (well more like demanded… and in all caps I must add) a pink flying kitty to **lemonybatman**!

MOVING ON!

First subject for today is… *looks at flashcards in hands* QUOTES! Now I know that the last chapter was dedicated to quotes from the series, but these are SUBMITTED quotes via review. There's a difference.

-"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That's everyone in the family!"

"What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?" said George indignantly.

Oh you Weasley Twins… *shakes head*

The next one I honestly can't believe I forgot it. *smacks self repeatedly*

-"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"

There's no need to explain further. Now for the actual rant! YAY!

I went and saw Deathly Hallows Part 2 a LONG time ago, but whilst I was re-reading the 7th book I thought, _Molly Weasley was a total BAMPH in the book, but in the movie it was like what? 2 seconds of a fight? FAIL._

And the actual death scenes? Ugh. Bellatrix kind of shriveled up and then shattered, Voldemort just kind of went all flaky on us, and FRED'S DEATH SCENE WAS A FAIL!

I mean, if they put in the scene were Percy re-deems himself and then starts crying over Fred, I would have been BAWLING. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you just see him flying into a wall in slow-motion for a split second.

WTF mate?

Ah whatever… anyone notice the pause after Neville kills Nagini?

SLICE! *holds pose for applause looking like a total bamph the entire time*

And my time is running short so, final messages!

SHMOES FOR ALL REVIEWERS!

TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKED/DISLIKED ABOUT P2

QUOTES ANYONE?

THAT'S ALL FOLKS! *throws flash cards in the air and walks away*


	5. My Immortal Mystery Solved!

OH-MY-FLYING-CARDBOARD-BARBIE-DOLLS-ON-STICKS!

I, the amazing and wonderful snowyclara, have just discovered and figured out the most amazing thing in the history of fanfiction.

I have uncovered the mystery behind the horrid fanfic, My Immortal.

First a little background on it:

It's written by a girl named Tara.

It's the most revolting, horrid, totally ****ed up piece of writing you'll ever read.

It destroys, pulverizes, tosses a gazillion NUCLEAR BOMBS on all that is wonderful and good in Harry Potter.

So, my discovery is the comparison of the title of the story, if you can call it that, and the actual song 'My Immortal' by Evanescence.

Here's the lyrics with my own personal comments comparing the two:

_I'm so tired of being here, _

Anyone who reads My Immortal hates the thing and wants to leave.

_suppressed by all my childish fears_

But we don't out of fear that anything else will be destroyed and we have to know if any of our favorite characters have been ruined.

_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave_

We wish that My Immortal will just vanish off the face of the Earth. Thankfully it did. After 44 chapters and thousands of flames.

_Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone_

No matter how many minutes, hours, days, years after you've read the monstrosity that is My Immortal, it will stay in your very heart and soul. Haunting you with it's horridness.

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real_

None of the wounds that remain after reading it will ever go away.

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Time cannot erase the damage done by it. It's a scientifically proven fact.  
><em><br>When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears_

Newbies reading it need us veterans to help them through the tear-bringing parts of it; not tears of sadness, but tears of exasperation and disbelief.

_When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears_

We need to help them get through those ridiculous parts where Volfemort(not a typo, that's one of the many names of Voldemort has in the story) gives Ebony/Enoby/Evony a gun to kill… is it Draco or Vampire(Harry), I can't remember because of all the random plot changes.

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

We must hold the newbie's hands to help them through the recovering stages after reading it.

_But you still have all of me_

Yet My Immortal still has a hold on all of us, and it's not a good one.__

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

It captivates us in how a story can be SO bad, but I'm not so sure about the "resonating light".

_Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind_

We are most certainly bound by the story's dreadfulness.

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams_

Need I explain it?

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

Again, is it needed?__

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<em>

Again, the wounds left by My Immortal will never heal.  
><em><br>When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years_

We must help the newbies through the story.

_But you still have all of me_

And even us long-time veterans of reading My Immortal are still chained to it.  
><em><br>I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

Yes, yes I have. Actually, I think we all have.

_But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along_

My Immortal is still with us, and we aren't exactly alone; anyone who has read it are all in the same boat. Yes, my dear readers, I am one of them, my mind is still half-mush from reading it.__

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me, me, me<em>

So, do you all see it? If not then… well… you do not get shmoes.

So, not really random and not really funny, but I HAD to type this up.

Also, every time I think about the horrid fanfiction, I can't help but wonder, why not Twilight? Why was Harry Potter the victim of such horrid writing?

Oh yeah.

Twilight was already bad to begin with.


	6. Burns and Red Sharpie

Well it's certainly been a while huh? Mhmm, I know what you mean, life got in the way, but I'm back, and that's all that matters!

So I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to put down here, but these are called RANDOM for a reason eh?

BUT FIRST! (Well… second maybe third… MOVING ON)

These reviewers get shmoes:

**Lemonybatman **and** Lily the amazing Evans.**

Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY! (lemony is my most faithful reviewer and Lily is just amazing, according to her I top Jo, SUH-WEET! And BTW I am honored. xD)

ON WITH THE RANDOMNESS!

So like, I was reading a fanfiction and like, the person kept like, typing everything exactly like, ya' know this! And I was all like OMFG! This stuf is liek terribl an they were like PLZ REVIEW I NEED 2 NO IF DIS IS GOOOOD! THX!

No lie.

If I wasn't so morally righteous I would have flamed them like no tomorrow and it would have gone like this:

Oh noes. Tara, step aside, there's a new failure in town. NOBODY LIEKS U! UR A FAIL! IT'S LIKE, CALLED SPELLCHECK YOU JACK-WAGON!

Don't you just hate storied like that? OH I ALMOST FORGOT!

So, my dad was dropping me of at school, and the school had done something to the road and my dad was raging at it saying it was the stupidest idea ever and yadda yadda yadda.

The conversation turned to how things look better on paper, but they just are stupid in real life, and how some are actually better in real life and I said this:

"Huh, that doesn't work with Twilight either way; bad on paper, bad in real life."

BURN!

And a tragedy has struck; I have recently discovered that one of my friends is a Twihard. Team Edward. I am disgusted. At least I had the satisfaction of scribbling ALL OVER a poster of Jacob's face in red Sharpie… now all I need is to do it to Edward as well…. MWAHAHAHA! AND THEN SHE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO THROW THE POSTERS AWAY AND I SHALL BE VICTORIOUS! IN YOUR FACE TWILIGHT MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry, got carried away…

Anywhos… I have nothing more to say. Farewell.

SHMOES TO REVIEWERS! xD


	7. A Surplus of Characters

Ah, hello people of Fanfiction! It's been quite a long time, hasn't it? Yes indeed.

First off, SHMOES TO EVERYONE!

Many thanks to **irmaida** for the flame, and I have made the chocolate to marshmallow ratio higher just for **Spugzieyes**. You're welcome.

So, inspiration for another story type thingy has arrived; sorry but no rant today.

LET THE STORY… BEGIN!

Ambrosius F, Callidora B, Cedrella B, Karkaroff's Aide, Rose Zeller, Sally-Anne P, Ursula F, and Zograf sat around in a random room in a random town in a random part of the UK.

"Uh, who are you?" Callidora B asked everyone.

"Um… I think a character in Harry Potter," Sally- Anne P answered, looking around.

"Are we really? I think only Karkaroff's Aide was the only one ever mentioned in the series. The rest of us are just names," Zograf said.

After this development, Karkaroff's Aide had to run for his life, otherwise it'd be death by teddy bear for him.

"Does anyone know what book they were in?" Ursula F asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

"What about generation?"

Again, everyone shook their heads again.

"Why don't we play a game of Go-Fish!" Cedrella B suggested, everyone accepted as they had nothing better to do with their time.

THE END.

Yes… I think that is everything. There were a few more names but they were rather hard to pronounce/spell so I just gave them the boot.

But haven't you noticed that, like the amount of unused classrooms in Hogwarts, there's a surplus of random people in the characters category of Harry Potter?

Just me? Okay then.

FAREWELL.


End file.
